Illusive Butterflies
by akaeve
Summary: Mrs Mallard is not the only one who can spin a yarn.


Illusive Butterfly

"You, young man, don't I know you?" Mrs Mallard shouted from behind the parlour palm, she was wearing a pith helmet and carrying a butterfly net.

"I don't think so Mrs MMMMMMallard," Jimmy stammered, now looking at her, as he stood back slightly.

"Yes I do, you were that boy who didn't get me a drink that time I was with Donald in autopsy. Where is he, and what are you doing in my house? Mrs Mallard now demanded, standing the net on its handle.

"Dr Mallard, asked me to drop by this book on _Samovars in America_," as he held up the book, "And the door was open and I just hoped that you were safe and not fallen or something."

"Pesky Ruskies," she began to say peering at the book and then down at the dogs, "Samovars you say?"

Jimmy nodded, "I thought they were Corgies, Mrs Mallard?" now looking at the dogs at her feet.

"They are, but are you not a Ruskie? Why would you be holding a book on Russian Samovars if you were not?" Mrs Mallard now demanded, "And where is Donald, it is Saturday and he should be here."

"No I'm actually from Virginia…..a small place called McLean." Jim stuttered and stammered, "And Dr Mallard said he was going to Walmart to get some essentials."

"If he has gone for bacon fat again there will be murder." Victoria Mallard shouted.

"I think he said he was out of canola oil," Jimmy now blurted out.

"Very well, but this book, I know Donald has a couple of Samovars somewhere, he brought one back from when he was in Afghanistan." As Mrs Mallard started to look about, "Now young man you said you were from McLean? Do you know the MacLeans of East Street, they were in Kenya with my late husband and I, when he was with the British Commonwealth Office. That was the reason why Donald was at Eton, boarding school, too much for him to travel every day. Do you travel every day?"

"No, Mrs Mallard I rent an apartment, but maybe I should just leave the book, or sit in the car, until Dr Mallard comes back," as Jimmy began to step backwards.

"Nonsense young man, you and I are going to have tea…..now where is that Samovar?" as Mrs Mallard grabbed Jimmy's arm and dragged him to the drawing room, "Sit," she demanded. Jimmy duly sat. "Not you young man," as Jimmy jumped back on his feet, "Contessa and Tyson….who did you say you were again?" she peered at Jimmy.

"Jimmy Palmer."

"Now you can sit Jimmy….I trust Earl Grey is to your liking? Donald and I drink it all the time….well I do sometimes, I prefer Wild Turkey….do you shoot?" Mrs Mallard now enquired, as she watched Jim shake his head, "Good, my husband used to when we were in Kenya, didn't like it much, I preferred to see them wild, and they became very wild when peering down the barrel of a gun. Did see a Coolie eaten by a lion once, now tea," as she now grabbed Jimmy's arm and drag him through to the kitchen, "I am not as young as I used to be and you will need to carry the tray through for me."

Jimmy watched as Mrs Mallard set out the tray and boiled the kettle, "Wish I could remember where Donald put that Samovar , it would have made a lovely cup of tea."

As the kettle boiled and Mrs Mallard made the tea, she placed some Madera cake on a plate, "You must have cake with tea, it is so much more civilised, do you take tea of an afternoon?" Mrs Mallard now enquired, indicating to Jimmy to take the tray and follow her back to the living room

"Dr Mallard and I do try to enjoy a cup of tea if we are not too busy," Jim replied placing the tray down on the occasional table.

"Thank you my boy, now I will be mother and pour, I stopped drinking black tea when the British were so unceremoniously dismissed from Kenya, by that awful man…..we had to come back to London you know."

"But Mrs Mallard, when you were in Kenya did you go on safari. I always thought maybe one day I would like to go and do something like that." Jimmy now added.

"Safari? Safari?" Mrs Mallard started to shout, "But of course, it was so quiet in those days you could go for miles. I do remember that time I came to your work and that nice girl, what was her name again?"

"Abigail Scuito, Abby"

"Yes her, she had toy, not one of those awful toys I found in Donald's room one day but a Hippoptamus amphibious, the river horse. Do you have handcuffs young man? I would like to think Matthew did, fluffy ones just like the ones I found in Donald's room. Now where was I?"

"Kenya, Mrs Mallard,….on safari, with hippos." Jimmy replied.

"Oh yes, I was quite a swimmer in my younger day. It was one particularly hot day…." Mrs Mallard began to say.

"It usually is in Kenya," Jimmy laughed.

"Quite, young man, but as I was saying; it was one particularly hot day, and I decided that I would swim in the river. I took the old chuggaboom and drove down to the river, as there was no-one about," Mrs Mallard lent forward and whispered to Jimmy, "I took my clothes off and swam al fresco, so to speak…and the feeling of the cold water over my body and other places didn't half make me….." she sniggered.

"Mother, what are you saying to Mr Palmer? I do believe you have the poor boy blushing." Ducky shouted as he appeared in the door frame.

"Nothing Donald, I was just telling Jimmy how I once swam with Hippoptamus amphibious, and how that delightful child I met once…"

"Abby." Jimmy added.

"How she," as she gave Jimmy a stare, "Reminded me of my sister Gloria, who tried to sleep with your father….but she had a toy, a burping hippo."

"Farting, actually Mrs Mallard." Jimmy corrected.

"Mr Palmer if you need to go to the bathroom please…..Donald tell this young man that we do not FART in public." Ducky's mother shouted, now standing.

"Mother," as Ducky tried to pacify his mother, "Mr Palmer was just commenting that the soft toy actually pretended to fart, to pass gas, to….."

"Actually Donald, now I think back, it so reminded me of my bagpiping days," as Mrs Mallard sat back down and began to look reminiscently at Ducky, "I so miss Scotland the lonely hills, the heather, the bleating sheep, and…..the midges, Donald the midges, I miss the midges." as a tear began to form in her eye.

"Midges, Dr Mallard?" Jimmy enquired.

"Mr Palmer, midges are the equivalent of the North American, or in fact any country mosquito, only 10 times worse, they are silent, cunning and extremely ferocious and unforgiving."

"Bit like Agent Gibbs on the warpath then?" Jimmy laughed.

"Mr Palmer, if Jethro, Agent Gibbs ever heard you say that, but then yes, I would say most likely Agent Gibbs was a midge in a previous life." Ducky concluded, "Now Mr Palmer, what was it that you came by for?"

"Doctor it was to give you the book on Samovars, and your Mother insisted I have tea with her until your return." Jimmy replied now standing and showing Ducky the book.

Ducky went a pale shade, "She didn't Mr Palmer did she?"

"Do what Doctor Mallard?"

"Use my Samovar to make your tea?" Ducky replied turning and walking to the kitchen, followed by Jimmy and Mrs Mallard, "Oh thank goodness the kettle, you had me worried there for a moment mother."

"Donald I would never use your Samovar for boiling tea, even if that is what it should be used for, I use it for boiling the napkins," as she turned and walked away goggling to herself.

"Mother….come here, please, and tell me you didn't." Ducky cried.

"Maybe I should go Dr Mallard, I only came bay to hand you the book, but your mother is very persuasive when it comes to some things." Jimmy replied.

"I know, but I just hope she hasn't destroyed or used, I was hoping they might be worth a bob or two. But Mr Palmer on a lighter note, I hope mother entertained you, and please do not believe everything she mentioned."

"But of course Dr Mallard, but…." as Jimmy looked at his Boss, "She mentioned handcuffs," Jimmy began to say now blushing.

"Oh yes those, I was tidying up and found them at the back of an old suitcase, they are not like the ones I had when I was with the British Metropolitan Police….in London, I worked out of the West End Central Police Station, near Soho, in those days illicit brothels and clubs were abound….and I mean also bound, we were forever closing down, some of the merchandise we found was…how shall I put this Mr Palmer, a tad tacky. You have to remember I was only a young rookie Police Officer, and well, I kept them as a souvenir, so you see Mr Palmer, things should never be seen or taken out of context."

"So Dr Mallard, did your mother actually swim naked with the hippos?" Jimmy now asked, as they heard a noise from behind the large parlour palm. They turned to see Mrs. Mallard, pith helmet and butterfly net in hand gayly swatting imaginary butterflies.

"To be honest Mr Palmer, yes, nothing my mother does or has done in the past amazes me anymore. I just believe she is just eccentric." Ducky replied now opening the door, "And thank you Mr Palmer for the book, I will take good care of it." As he watched Jim begin to walk down the steps.

"Cooeee Jimmy, nice talking to you, pop in again anytime for tea, and I will regale you of my days in the Raj next time," they heard a voice shout from indoors.

Jimmy and Ducky smiled, as he now turned and walked to his car.

The End.

Episode Tag = Untouchable


End file.
